Guidelines for Dipolelo! Story Presenters

In our work preventing gender-based violence we have found that in almost every audience there will be is at least one, or more, survivors of violence.

Working with these stories is challenging and you should prepare yourself for a range of emotional responses. The guidelines are set out to assist you to give your audience the opportunity to be heard, to learn and to identify actions that they can take to prevent gender-based violence.

Clarify your Aim

Each story refers to a specific kind of violence including defilement, sexual assault, physical assault, child abuse and social media abuse. When you plan to use the stories and the guide it will help you considerably if you are clear what you want to achieve.

Know your Audience

Knowing who you are presenting to will be vital to the successful presentation of the stories. Reactions differ considerably. For example, professionals may be dispassionate and focus only the service issues. Or they might probe the background and outcome of the stories rather than engage with the feelings and experiences that the storytellers present.

Review & Understand the GBV Issues

Gender-based violence can provoke heated discussions with people completely divided in their consideration of the issues. You need to be able to handle emotional outbursts or take someone with you who can help with strong emotional responses.

In order for people to get the best out of the stories you will need to be familiar with GBV issues in Botswana, not just from the key facts section in the guide. You are welcome to contact WoMen Against Rape for additional information.

Group Size & Composition

We suggest no more than 25 people in a group to make the discussion more productive. Give advance notice of the event and remind people about the potential distressing nature of the content.

The more mixed the group is in age, gender, education etc. the more lively and potentially polarised the discussion can become. Think ahead about what you want to achieve and select your group accordingly.

Equipment & Venue

Screening the stories from a DVD requires a DVD player (either stand-alone or from a computer connected to speakers and an LCD projector). We strongly advise you to test your audio-visual equipment beforehand to ensure that it’s working in the venue you plan to use. Make sure you have a power source in the venue, an extension cable, appropriate plugs and adapters. The room should be able to be darkened with either a screen or a white wall to show the videos.

You will need a flip chart and pens to capture feedback from the group.

Materials

Depending on how you plan to run your presentation, we suggest you copy and distribute a feedback form for personal comments. There may be some people who have specific questions that they don’t want to ask in public so give them a chance to write them down for you on the feedback form. You might like to give out an email address for people to follow up with you.

Dipolelo! Girls Against GBV Stories

For each story, we provide the following:

·       A summary of the story

·       Key issues in the story

·       A story transcript

·       A set of questions to ask that will get the discussion going and aim to get people to think more deeply about what they’re seen, heard or read.

·       Suggested responses to the specific questions.

Dipolelo! Story 1. Unseen Wounds

Summary

The author has a cousin with a young baby who is in an abusive relationship. One evening she visited her cousin and while she was there, her cousin’s boyfriend became abusive and violent. She would like her cousin and her cousin’s boyfriend to get help.

Key Issues

·       Gender-based violence (physical), adult and child

·       Bystander involvement

·       Alcohol

Story Transcript

I visited my cousin Lerato at her place that evening.

By then Lerato was a nursing mother with a 2 month old baby girl. When I got there she asked me to help her by babysitting, while she was cooking in the kitchen.

Her boyfriend came home as we were sitting down to eat.

We ate supper together and then Patty told us he was going out drinking. Lerato did not want him to go, she was worried that he would take a girl and cheat on her.

They started shouting at each other and quarrelling.

Suddenly he locked the door to the place and started shouting and beating us.

He slapped us and punched us with his fists.

He banged our heads together, and bounced our heads off the wall. He slapped the baby on her face. We were screaming and shouting for help.

Finally, we managed to get the key off him to open the door and get out.

The neighbours came to help and they helped us to calm the baby.

I told Lerato that her boyfriend had been flirting with me, sending me text messages telling me that he loves me and that it should be a secret between us. I was not interested in him and I told him so but he still kept on trying.

Lerato was angry, and said she didn’t trust me anymore. Because I only told her about this now when there is a problem.

This hurt me physically and emotionally because I felt violated out of my innocence and the fact that my cousin also lost trust in me.

The following morning I went to WoMen Against Rape to report the matter and seek guidance and counselling.

I wanted Lerato and Patty to come to WoMen Against Rape. I wanted Leratos boyfriend to learn that beating was not the way to handle conflict. I wanted him to learn that his drinking was a problem and that alcohol should not control him.

Discussion Questions for Unseen Wounds

1.      How did you feel about Lerato, Patty and the author? Describe the parts of the story that especially moved you.

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      Do you think that the storyteller was right to get involved in her cousins relationship?

People will often ignore abuse happening to others because they feel it’s not their business. A person in an abusive relationship may not realise it and the kind words of a friend or family member may help them to see things differently.

3.      What role do you think alcohol plays in violence against women?

Alcohol is not the cause of violence but it can aggravate it. Not all people who drink alcohol are violent and not all violent people drink alcohol.

4.      What would you do if you had a friend or family member who was in an abusive relationship?

Encourage participants to consider their own circumstances, given the widespread nature of violence against women and girls in Botswana it is common to find people who have friends or family members who are in abusive relationships.

Moving from being a passive bystander to an active empowered one and contribute to change in the social acceptability of harassment, abuse or violence.

The 3 D’s of Bystander Intervention.

1.      Distract: Anything that distracts someone enough to discontinue the abusive behavior.

2.      Delegate: If you do not feel comfortable or safe intervening, delegate the intervention to someone else.

3.      Direct: Directly address the abuse.

Dipolelo! Story 2. My Scars Remain

Summary

The storyteller is a young girl whose father physically abuses her, her siblings and her mother. He barely conceals his anger. After one particularly horrific whipping from her father, our storyteller goes to see her guidance and counselling teacher at school and tells her what is happening in her home. She and her mother and siblings are taken to the WoMen Against Rape Shelter for protection. The family goes for counselling and her father’s behaviour improves.

Key issues

·       Gender-based violence physical (child & adult)

·       Gender-based  violence emotional

·       Child-parent communication

Story Transcript

I remember those years back when my father used to pin me to the ground and make me die in the dust. He made me think that my life was worth nothing that my life was worth zero.

I was born abused,

Even the one who held me for 9 months in her tummy ended up being a victim of it.

I had no joy in my life.

My father treated me like a dog.

I remember in 2007 when I was still in grade 1. For no reason he hit me again and again on my back and my face.

I cried and cried and cried and cried until no more tears came out. That is when I realized my father is a lion not a human.

He deprived me of food and clothes. I did not feel like I belonged in my family.

My father hated me, he hated all of us. He did not have a human heart.

Every time my sister or I asked for something, his face revealed a glimpse of boiling madness hiding behind his mask.

Each time he physically or emotionally abused us, we would need not to search why he was doing that, it was plain on his face that he hated us.

Last year March there came a day when I found the courage to do something about my terrible life. I decided that enough is enough.

I went to see the guidance and counselling teacher from our school. She helped us, she took us to the police and opened a case against my father.

We were taken to the hospital for further investigation, because the night before he had whipped me in a horrifying way.

WoMen Against Rape helped us a lot. My mother, sister, and I were taken to the WAR Shelter where we were safe, away from my father and his violence.

Our whole family went for counselling at WAR. My father learned not to beat us and we learned not to accept any violence and how to protect ourselves

Since then my father has changed and things are better in our home. But he took away my trust, respect, and honour for him and my scars remain.

Discussion Questions for My Scars Remain

1.      How did you feel about the author? Describe the parts of the story that especially moved you.

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      This young girl felt like she did not belong in her family. What did her father do to her besides physically abusing her that made her feel like that?

He denied her food and clothes. The Botswana Childrens Act 2009 is clear on parental responsibilities. You could read out the relevant section[1]

3.      Do parents have the right to beat or whip their children?

It is important that participants understand that it is against the Law in Botswana to beat or whip a child. The Botswana Children’s Act[2] protects children from this and any other form of abuse.

4.      She says at the end of her story that despite the change in her father’s behaviour her scars remain. What do you think she means?

Child abuse has long lasting mental, emotional and physical effects. Adults who have experienced abuse in childhood do not earn as much as those who did not experience abuse and they have more episodes of illness, die earlier and achieve less.

However, this effect is erased if the child is removed to a place of safety and their social, psychological, physical mental and emotional needs are met.

Dipolelo! Story 3. The Mountain

Summary

This young mother lives with her boyfriend and their baby girl. She didn’t attend Secondary School and is unemployed. Her boyfriend is working. They have been in a relationship for some time. Her boyfriend goes out for milk for the baby and does not return until late in the night and he’s drunk. He did not bring the baby’s milk. She looks at his phone and finds photos of him kissing a girl. She confronts him and he flies into a rage and beats her, and their baby. She manages to get out of the house and runs for help. They both go for counselling at WAR and life at home improves but he is still cheating and she would like to leave but has nowhere to go and no money for a place of her own.

Key Issues

·       GBV physical (adult & child)

·       Infidelity (cheating)

·       Education

·       Unemployment

·       Counselling

Story Transcript

I just felt the tears on my cheeks and heard my baby crying far away.

I was on the floor with my tongue hanging out.

Sorrow, pain and disappointment was all that covered my whole body.

I felt powerless.

I couldn’t blink or move my fingers.

I was shocked.

His punch on my eye made me feel like I was falling down a mountain. At the bottom of the mountain and he punched us over and over again.

I found myself holding my daughter by her leg.

The blood on my daughter’s mouth stopped me breathing for some minutes.

Why did he beat our beautiful child? Is he normal?

The moment he gave us his back, we managed to escape.

I didn’t give the devil a chance to rule my life. I went straight to the clinic where we saw a nurse who gave us medication and referred us to WoMen Against Rape.

We went to WoMen Against Rape and had an appointment with the counsellor.

I told the counsellor my story.

My boyfriend went out to get milk for our child. When he came back in the morning, he was drunk. I asked him “Where is the milk?” He said he forgot to buy it. Then he went to bed.

I found his phone with photos of another girl. They were kissing. I asked him about the photos and I told him “Those photos are the reason why you didn’t buy the milk for the baby.” That’s when he started beating us.

The counsellor called him to come. Together we were counselled and taught about gender-based violence.

That was the turning point of our relationship.

Now my boyfriend doesn’t drink and he spends time with the baby and takes care of her.

Things are better.

But he’s still cheating.

It hurts me.

I think it’s time for me to move on but where do I go because I still love him and he’s providing for me and our daughter and we are living in his home.

Discussion Questions for The Mountain

1.      How did you feel about the author and her boyfriend? Describe the parts of the story that especially moved you.

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      Her boyfriend punched her and their baby. Why do you think he did that? Was he justified?

The defence for hitting a woman is often related to her behaviour, “she drove me to it”, “she was shouting at me and she was disrespectful so what should do?”

Violence is never okay, it cannot ever be justified.

You can steer the discussion into how to handle conflict in a relationship.

Anger is an emotion, which we all feel at some time; punching, hitting and beating are behaviours that stem from anger. When anger explodes into violence people get hurt, even innocent children. Learning to handle anger is a skill and it can be taught.

3.      Infidelity or ‘cheating’ is when one partner has another relationship without the other knowing. What do you think or feel about this?

Suspicion of infidelity is a major cause of GBV in Botswana even to the extent of murder/suicide.

This is issue of commitment in a relationship. How can couples prevent infidelity? People should be talking about what is going on in the relationship before they break up.

Dipolelo! Story 4. My Father

Summary

A story of father-daughter incest. Her father asks her to keep a secret and his secret is to rape her. She keeps this secret until one day she gets up the courage to tell her mother. Her mother helps her to go to the police and report her father. She is taken to the WoMen Against Rape Shelter where she completes a cooking course and gets a job.

Key Issues

·       Defilement, father/daughter incest

·       Secrets and silence prevent survivors from reporting

·       Family resistance to reporting a case of defilement to the authorities placing family honour before the needs of the child

·       Removing the child to a place of safety (WAR Shelter)

Story Transcript

I didn’t want this to happen to me.

Before he raped me my life was so good.

Then one day, he called me and said “My daughter I want to make a secret between us.”

One night he called me to his room.

He was lying on the bed with a towel over him. He said “Remember, I was telling you about a secret?” I said “yes, I remember, but what is this secret about?”

He didn’t say anything. He just grabbed me and threw me on the bed.

He put a pillow over my face, pulled my skirt and ripped off my panties. I tried to sit up, I tried to keep my legs closed but he forced them apart with his knees and then he raped me.

After I wanted to kill myself.

My father’s secret was to rape me.

He raped me many times.

I kept his secret because I was afraid people would call me a liar.

I kept his secret because he was beating me if I did anything wrong,

I kept his secret until one day I told my mother.

My mother talked to my Uncle, my Aunt and my Grandfather.

My grandfather didn’t want me to report my father to the police.

He wanted us to sit as a family and in our home and talk and tell my father that what he did to me was a bad thing.

And he should stop.

He said “This is your father. Why can’t you forgive him?” “Just talk, and then you start a new life.”

I wanted to report my father to the police because what my father is doing to me is a crime.

With my mothers help I went to the police and I reported my father.

They took my statement and took me to the hospital to check to see if I am pregnant or HIV positive.

My social worker got a court order and took me to stay at the WoMen Against Rape Shelter to keep me safe and for counselling.

Since I was at the Shelter I’ve learned many things.

I took a course and learned how to cook and now I have a job at a restaurant.

I don’t cry anymore, I’m not scared anymore, now I feel free and happy.

I still love my father, because he is still my father.

Discussion Questions for My Father

1.      How did you feel about the author and her boyfriend? Describe the parts of the story that especially moved you.

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      What is ‘defilement’?

Defilement is not the same as rape. The key difference between defilement and rape is age. Sex with a minor (under 18 years of age) is called defilement. It is a crime under the Botswana Penal Code, Division III. Offences Injurious to the Public in General. Offences Against Morality. Subsection 147. 

There are two exceptions 1. If the sex takes place between persons who are both under 18. And 2. If the sex is between a person who is not more than two years older than the other. For example, a 17 year old and a 19 year old.

3.      Why do you think her father got her to “…make a secret with him.”?

Perpetrators of defilement typically use secrecy and silence as the first line of defence then if secrecy fails; they will attack the credibility of the victim. If he cannot silence his victim, he will make sure no one believes her.

This a good discussion to have because children love secrets, they love to feel special and perpetrators use that to their advantage.

4.      In her story, she tells us that after her father raped her she wanted to kill herself.

More than 30% (1 in 3) of rape victims contemplate suicide. Many more suffer from severe depression.

Survivors of defilement should be encouraged to seek help from the authorities like the police, the clinic, a social worker, guidance and counselling teacher at school or an NGO like WoMen Against Rape, BOFWA,

5.      Her Grandfather wanted her to have a family meeting instead of going to the police he asked her why she couldn’t forgive him and move on with her life. Do you think cases of defilement should be settled in the family? Or do you think the girl was right to go to the police and report her father?

There is a strong tradition in Botswana of keeping unpleasantness within the family like the expression “Go bipa mpa ka mabele”.

This tradition prevents survivors from speaking out. It allows perpetrators to continue their behaviour without sanction, just a family discussion and an agreement that this won’t happen again, but of course it does.

Reporting to the police ensures that the child gets access to services, which can support her. She can be removed from the risk of further abuse to a place of safety and the perpetrator will face the full weight of the law.

Dipolelo! Story 5. Who Do I Trust?

Summary

Going out with a friend to a bar for some fun this young woman found herself being gang raped by four young men and then just when she thought she was safe she was raped again by the man who said he would help her.

Key Issues

·       Gang rape (strangers)

·       Rape (known)

·       HIV infection

·       Pre and post exposure prophylaxis

·       Pregnancy

·       Police progress

Story Transcript

One night I went to the bar with my girlfriend to have fun.

When I was going to the toilet behind the bar, four men came and grabbed me, and dragged me into the bush.

I screamed but no one came. There was no one to help me.

They were angry, forcing me to shut my mouth and grabbing my neck, pulling my t-shirt on my face, and pulling off my trousers.

They almost took an hour raping me, I was crying, I cried a lot, my heart broken in pieces.

After they finished raping me, they ran away and I ran to the bar looking for help. A neighbour came; he asked me why I was crying. I told him I was raped.

He said that he would take me to the police in his Uncles car.

We went to his Uncles place to get the keys.

It was dark inside so he said to come inside and light the candle so he can find the keys.

I felt him behind me, he pushed me into the bed and held a knife to my stomach.

I screamed for help. He told me to shut my mouth, took off my trousers and raped me.

Next thing the door opened and his Uncle shouted “What are you doing? What’s going on in my house?” I pulled on my trousers and ran out of the house.

My neighbour ran after me begging for forgiveness.

I told him I was going tell my parents and I went home. 

When I arrived home I was crying and I told my sister everything.

She said I should sleep and go to the police in the morning.

In the morning I started to wash my head as it has soil and grass on it.

My sister stopped me. She told me that they were  taught at school that if one is raped they should not bath before going to the police.

My sister came with me to the police station and I was crying all the way.

Two policewomen took my statement, I was crying and I struggled to speak.

Then the police took me to my neighbour’s place. He was not there but his mother told the police that I was lying. They told the mother to tell the man to report at the police station, as they need him for investigations.

Then they took me to hospital. The nurses took samples from under my nails and from the hair on my head and pubic area. They also took blood samples and vaginal swabs and tested for HIV and for pregnancy. Then the police women took me to WAR for counselling which helped me a lot.

I tested negative for pregnancy and for HIV. I was given post exposure tablets and advised to return for follow up tests after 3 months.

The post exposure tablets made me dizzy and I was vomiting so I stopped taking them and threw them away.

The police told me that the suspect (my neighbour) tested positive for HIV.

I was very scared of contracting HIV

I feared what my neighbours and friends would say for having been raped and for being HIV positive.

I was also scared that the man who raped me would assault me again.

Three months after the rape I went for the follow up HIV test and I was HIV positive.

I was scared and angry at the men who raped me and was afraid to tell my family and my boyfriend.

The case is still with the police and has not been to court.

My neighbour who raped me is still my neighbour.

Discussion Questions for Who Do I Trust

1.      How did you feel about the author? Describe the parts of the story that especially moved you.

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      What is rape?

Rape is a crime that is committed through a sexual act without the consent or agreement between the people involved. Rape is traumatic, humiliating and can have life changing consequences. Rape is never the victim’s fault. Rapists make the choice to rape and they are to blame.

You can be raped by a stranger or by someone you know or are going out with (date rape). If you are raped by two or more people at the same time, it is called gang rape.

3.      Do you think that women that go to bars for fun are asking to be raped?

It is never the victims fault she was raped. Only the rapist is at fault. Women and men are entitled to have fun at night.

Instead of holding the rapist responsible, we think she was ‘asking to be raped’ or we wonder if she is telling the truth. If rape survivors believe these myths themselves, they may feel too ashamed or guilty to report the rape, even though they have done nothing wrong. This prevents many rapists from being prosecuted.

4.      Do you think that men rape because they just want sex?

Rape is not only about relieving sexual desire. It is about gaining power and control over another person. A rapist gets satisfaction by humiliating and controlling his victim and uses sex as the tool to do this.

5.      Our author tells us that her sister told her not to wash before going to the police to report being raped. Why?

Survivors of rape are encouraged to report to the police within 72 hours (3 days) of the crime but they should report at any time. Rape is a crime that can be investigated and prosecuted by the police many years after it happened. Encourage all survivors of rape and sexual assault to report to the police.

In order to preserve evidence of the rape, survivors should try to avoid the following activities that could potentially damage evidence such as:

·       Bathing

·       Showering

·       Using the restroom

·       Changing clothes

·       Combing hair

The services that a rape survivor can expect are:

·       DNA will be collected to identify the rapist (this is why it is good to preserve the evidence)

·       Emergency Contraceptives (to prevent pregnancy)

·       Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (to prevent HIV infection)

·       HIV Testing and Counselling

·       Sexual Transmitted Infection Screening and treatment

·       Psycho-social support and counselling

6.      At the end of her story the author tells us that “my neighbour is still my neighbour.” What do you think she means?

It means that her neighbour is still living next to her. He is not in prison, she sees him every day.

Women Agaisnt Rape are supporting her to follow up the case with the police.

Dipolelo! Story 6. Out of My Life

Summary

She loved him and he loved her back. He treated her like a princess. Then he lost his job and she allowed him to move into her home. Things changed. He would check on her behaviour; he would check whether anyone had been around the house by looking for footsteps in the sand. He kept her away from friends, family, and even her neighbours. He would argue and he would beat her, and then he would take care of her until the bruises faded and then he would argue and beat her again.

Key Issues

·       Coercive control

·       Isolation

·       Physical abuse

Story Transcript

He was 10 years older than me and I loved him.

One day he got into financial problems that left him homeless.

I felt sorry for him, so I moved him to my place.

When he came home after work he would ask questions “Who came to visit?”

He would check around the house for footprints in the sand.

There was no trust, always arguments.

I would plan all day how to answer his questions. What could I to make him smile? I was always thinking of him.

I kept the house clean. I washed his clothes. I made food for him. I dressed nicely. I plaited my hair.

Nothing worked.

He was suspicious of my brother and my friends. He kept me to himself.

There was no communication with neighbours, I even lost friends and I dropped out of school.

Arguments became beatings.

He would beat me in the bedroom with doors locked and the music loud so no one could hear me scream.

After the beating, he would hold me and care for me and ask for forgiveness.

But he would lock me in the house until the bruises faded.

I felt so stupid.

I went to the police for help.

Then a policewoman suggested that I go to visit WoMen Against Rape.

I went to see a counsellor. I told her my story, she asked me “What do I want to do with him?” I told her “I want him out of my place, out of my life and out of my brain!”

I got a restraining order at the Magistrates Court.

He complied wth the order and he left my place and he left my place.

I was free.

But my place was full of memories so I moved to my brothers place

I was free but my place was full of memories so I moved to my brother’s house to recover.

I went back for counselling to learn how to start again.

Discussion Questions for Out of My LIfe

1.      How did you feel about the author and her boyfriend? Which part of her story touched you most?

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      Do you think the age difference between the author and her boyfriend was a problem?

Young women in sexual relationships with older men are more likely to become HIV+. Between ages 15-24 young women are three times more likely to be HIV+ than their age mates because of age disparate sexual relations.

Older men are likely to be earning enough to entice young women with promises of goods that they desperately want but cannot afford. These relationships are described as transactional sex where the young girls are willing to get into the relationship because of the rewards but do not recognise the risks. Girls often find it very difficult to get out of these relationships, as they are vulnerable.

3.      Why do you think her boyfriend checked around the house for footprints in the sand when he came home from work?

He wanted to see if anyone had come to visit with her during the day. He also kept the neighbours away and kept her from seeing her family and friends.

This behaviour is about control. Her boyfriend made the author a prisoner in her own home, she was in an unreal world created by her boyfriend, trapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.

This controlling behaviour is not love. Some girls and women mistake this possessiveness for love and they should be encouraged to see that actually it is unhealthy and controlling.

4.      Do you spend all your time trying to please your partner?

Pleasing your partner should be something you enjoy doing but not because you are afraid that if you don’t he won’t love you anymore. Mutual respect is the foundation of a good relationship. You should know that he or she respects you and loves you for who you are, not for your clothes, make-up, car etc.

Dipolelo! Story 7. The Thunderstorm

Summary

A wonderful man from church approached her and asked her to be his girlfriend. She was delighted and they had a wonderful time together. And then things changed. She moved to another place and he began to say hateful things in text messages. He bombarded her with these messages making her feel worthless.

Key Issues

·       insults

Story Transcript

It was the year of 2017, around April, when I met a guy.

He was older than me, a true and perfect friend.

A churchgoer, a Christian and a non-alcoholic person.

He asked me to be in a relationship with him and I agreed.

I was happy with him and I liked him.

All was good in our relationship because he was a loving person.

But little did I know that he was a dishonest, unfaithful and secretive person.

After eight months, I moved to Gaborone and then came that one moment when he sent me a message accusing me of cheating.

He said “Nowadays you are being disrespectful to me so it means that you are with someone.”

I was angry and unhappy.

I had wondered all this time that when I felt suspicious that he was being unfaithful.

It was all true.

In phone calls and text messages, he called me fat; he told me I had ugly, small ears that were different sizes.  He said “You look like 20 litres of sour milk.”, “You smell bad, and you make my blankets to smell bad.”

He accused me of being disrespectful. He accused me of cheating again and again but it wasn’t true.

I went through the weeks of name-calling, belittling, shaming and insults.

He called me a crazy person.

I could not sleep, I could not cook, I couldn’t do household chores. I had no energy for anything. 

Ending the relationship was the solution.

I stopped replying to him. I decided to delete all his messages so that I wasn’t tempted to read them over and over and push myself further into depression, or craziness.

This was my first time to experience this kind of bad naming, and untrue accusations from someone I was in relationship with.

Slowly, I regained my confidence with my body shape and my ears, which he said, were small and ugly. I did all sorts of exercises to improve my body size and control the stress I was going through.

One thing I know for sure is that God knows why he created me exactly as I am. And I am perfect.

Over time my life got back to normal and I could see the light again.

Discussion Questions for The Thunderstorm

1.      How did you feel about the author and her boyfriend? Which part of her story touched you most?

This question encourages people to examine their feelings about the participants in the story. Feelings are a good way to understand personal beliefs and attitudes.

2.      Do you feel that name-calling and insults are abuse?

Name-calling is considered abusive behaviour because it labels ones partner as something negative — you’re dumb, ugly, stupid, fat, unlovable– without acknowledging or considering their feelings. By texting insults like “you’re fat”, “you’re ugly”, and “you look like a 20 litres of sour milk” her boyfriend is humiliating her, he is deliberately eroding her sense of self-worth. He wants to hurt her, to make her feel worthless.

Healthy relationships don’t use name calling to resolve conflict or express love. Both partners make the other one feel good about themselves.

3.      How would you deal with this kind of abuse? The author deleted all the messages and refused to answer any calls and eventually he stopped. Did she do the right thing?

Encourage participants to come up with ways to deal with this abusive behaviour so that they could go on with their lives, freely without fear of further insults.

Preventing Gender-Based Violence

Everyone can do something to help prevent violence against women and their children.

What Youth Can Do

·       Start by thinking about your own attitude about sex and gender. Do you treat males and females differently? If you do, why?

·       Do you think expressions like “Mosadi tshwene o jewa mabogo” are sexist? Do you think its okay to talk about women like that? Expressions that are insulting to women undermine their status in society. Don’t let people get away with it, voice your displeasure at sexist jokes and terms and explain why!

·       If one of your friends was behaving badly to a girl, maybe controlling her, insisting on looking at her phone, checking her messages. Would you say something? Controlling behaviour is not a sign of love; it’s a sign of violence.

·       When you read about rape or physical assault in the newspaper or online do you think “I wonder what she was wearing?” “I wonder if she had been drinking.” Whatever she was wearing or doing has nothing to do with rape. The only person responsible for rape is the person who did it, the perpetrator.

·       What would you do if you saw a woman struggling with a man who was trying to kiss her? Would you step up and step in to make a difference?

What Parents and Caregivers Can Do

As parents or carers you are a key source of information for your children and what you do and say really influences how children behave. If you shout, scream, and hit out when you are angry they will too.

It’s your responsibility to promote positive messages and behave with respect towards everyone else around you. You are the adult, it’s your job to behave like one.

·       There are signs that someone is in an abusive relationship. Educate yourself about the warning signs of violence in young people’s relationships.

·       Show your children both male and female role models who are succeeding in non-traditional careers.

·       Model equality at home and in your own relationship – make sure your child sees you talking through problems in an open and respectful way and sharing jobs at home equally.

What Men Can Do

·       To prevent violence against women and children, we all have to challenge the beliefs and behaviours that excuse, justify or condone violence and inequality.  Can you think of any customs in your community that make it okay to hit a child or beat a woman?

·       Not all men are violent towards women and girls but many men are often silent in the face of violence, sexual assault or behaviours that excuse violence and control in relationships.

·       The easiest thing to do is nothing! You have to take a stand to challenge violence and it can make you unpopular. Step up and step in to make a difference, it’s really important to change things for women and girls.

What Women Can Do

·       If you see or hear something sexist, speak up. You’re probably not the only one who thinks it’s wrong. Get comfortable with speaking out against things that are sexist or degrading.

·       If you hear someone blaming a victim of rape by asking: “What was she wearing?” or “Was she drunk?” ask him or her what difference does it make? Rape is the fault of the rapist! No excuses!

·       If you think someone is being abused , offer to help. Tell them about WoMen Against Rape and encourage them to get help.

·       If a friend, family member or colleague tells you she’s experienced violence the most important thing you can do is listen to her, believe her and make sure she knows where to get help.

·       If you experience sexual harassment at work, like touching your body, suggestive jokes, explicit emails, staring, questions about your personal/sex life, or unwanted requests for sex, report it to your manager.

·       Talk to the other people in your life, especially your children and other family members, about your commitment to preventing violence against women and children and encourage them to do the same.

Warning signs of an abusive relationship

Here are some warning signs of an abusive relationship.

·       She seems afraid of her partner or is always very anxious to please him or her.

·       She has stopped seeing her friends, family or neighbours, or cuts phone conversations short when her partner is in the room.

·       Her partner often criticises her or humiliates her in front of other people.

·       Her partner controls the money, tells her who she can see and what she can do.

·       She often talks about her partner’s ‘jealousy’, ‘bad temper’ or ‘possessiveness’.

·       She has become anxious or depressed, has lost her confidence, or is unusually quiet.

·       She has physical injuries, which she struggles to explain.

·       Her children seem afraid of her partner, have behaviour problems, or are very withdrawn or anxious.

·       She is reluctant to leave her children with her partner.

·       After she has left the relationship, her partner is constantly calling her, harassing her, following her, coming to her house or waiting outside.

 Where can we go for help?

·       If you, or someone you know, are in immediate danger then call the police.

·       If you need advice, protection or support call

o   WoMen Against Rape +267 71311244 in Maun or the

o   Botswana Gender Based Violence Prevention and Support Center in Gaborone Landline: 3907659, Cellphone: 74265081 or send Help to 16510.

·       Other sources of help include: churches, social workers, clinics and hospitals, doctors, nurses, teachers (especially guidance and counselling teachers)

·       Other NGOs

   Botswana Family Welfare Association see website for branches around the country  (http://www.bofwa.org.bw/ )